Oh damn, still in this dream.

All this being single lark's not much fun really. I should have gotten used to it by now, but somehow, one's frustration at the attempts to pursue life, love, and pleasure, with dignity and grace, inevitably boil over into ill humour and bad temper. I should self medicate more.

As is, I can be quite cutting and cruel when irritated, which is not good: and especially not good when sole remaining parent, probably through grief, winds a chap's spring just that bit too tight. It is not a good thing to bark at one's mother, no matter the provocation.

Am feeling a trifle deficient in virtue at present, and need to find a place to hang my head in shame. I'm meant to be better than that, dammit, and apologies aren't enough, really.

I can see that on a personal level, life may become significantly less interesting.

Last of the Christmas shopping to do.

Hazel's for supper party. Em & Nick have offered to put me up if I want to drink (yes please, but...perhaps not: parent to consider).

Dad did all the practical things for mum. Cooking, shopping, finance etc. Mum took charge of their laundery, and generally oversaw everything else, being disabled but still unable to keep her fingers from every pie within reach. Born to rule, which is unusual in an Yeoman family of the Irish Republican kind. But there you go.

Wonder what my dining companions will be like?

Monday morning - new nurse, but the Da is bright. I had a small spat with the Ma, which was probably because of tiredness on both our parts. Even though we spoke sotto voce he somehow caught the mood and was upset. Reassured him it was just stepping on toes (which it was). Whew. Another case of tiredness doing damage.
He insisted I call the Charity for which he volunteered until 6 months ago, and let them know the situation.  Since his retirement 20 years ago he put in three days a week at the Catholic fund for Overseas Development, working in their support services. Keeping busy, he says, kept him alive. The folk at CaFOD were upset and asked to visit - said it was kind but should be limited in duration as he is not to be tired beyond his strength (which manners would incline him to) and that they should 'phone first.
Beloved by those that know him - which I'm not surprised by, really.
He requests no flowers, and no flowery speeches. Extracted a promise (again - this time in front of priest, Fr Francis) that we should not go into his history - wants to be known as man that tried hard to be Christian, and asks that all pray for his soul. Old thing's tied my hands again - easy to say, however I would prefer to be able to shout his virtues from the rooftops. Will do what I can, but will stick to the letter of promise, after all: one's word should be one's bond. Mum ready to contradict and do exactly as she wishes, but that's mothers for you.
Donations to CaFOD on obit as per his instructions. He's been getting everything in order, and making sure we all understand his wishes, even if a bit confused.
Too tired to think properly - will save energy for important stuff.
Mum's actually OK, just a mother.