Evidently Spring is in the air.

[johnny9fingers]

A virtual chum, vox_diabolica, said in a comment to an earlier post (and I paraphrase) that he found it strange that his generation should be more 'traditional' than the one preceding it, which is the one to which I belong.
Admittedly, he's a Christian of a sophisticated kind, which would render him somewhat narrower of scope in some respects than a chap who left school to be a guitarist and sleep in a squat, but even so....
But I do find, the openness with which I grew up has been stifled in so many ways.
The polymorphous perversity of the seventies was an odd place and odd time, but it informed my live and let live attitude. When it came to drugs and sex I was an experimentalist, and to some extent, still am. Too old for white drugs I still smoke weed. Though I am at present chaste, it is not through choice: I never seem to meet appropriate women, and though I've tried the 'other thing' (it is necessary to know, you know) I found that it didn't suit, alas and alack: it will not do for me. Few (if indeed any) men are attractive, and almost all women are. It appears you can't change the way you're made, and I'm too bloody old to dissemble without feeling irritated.
So, I'm reluctantly heterosexual.
Reluctantly chaste.
And probably bored beyond human ken, but still, somewhere at the end of the bell-curve.....

Hope is one of those awful human emotional virii, like shingles it can strike when totally unawares: but maybe just down the Street, or around the corner....

Comments

Heart's Ease

[ankh156.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much the same as you, except that my own homosexual dalliance turns out to have been the only 'true love story' of my existence. Nevertheless, I, like you, adhere to feminine canons of beauty and don't think I'll be out 'cottaging' for another boy soon. Co-dependancy is the problem, and it's a distaste for this particular weakness which has inoculated me against the 'eternal springing' of 'hope'. I meet nice women all the time (increasingly too young, it seems... "time's arrow" and all that) and have even been chased-down in the last few years, but the idea of trips to the supermarket, regular shared meals and the dynamics of moods is enough to have me nailing the door shut. I suppose with a bedroom at each end of a large house, of which some formally defined shared spaces could be deliniated for use on a strictly optional basis... Be it known that I like to sleep alone, and 'company' is so nice when it's chosen... Problem is, when it isn't, it's war.

WILL
LOVE

clvi

Re: Heart's Ease

[johnny9fingers.livejournal.com]

Nah, I don't think I could even get to the cottaging stage: guys just aren't my thing. But it's good to know that. It's about fancying, I suppose. The only bad thing (for me) about Gay sex is the sex bit. It is astonishing that one can do a whole heap of weird and wonderful things with women, and then noticing that none of it works with a chap, and that you'd really rather be somewhere else, and manners prevent you; and worse, that manners prevent you from letting the other fellow know this isn't exactly one's cup of tea. There are some situations I wouldn't advise anyone to get into.

By nature I'm ridiculously uxorious. When I've had mistresses alongside girlfriends I've become confused. I'm happier in a monogamous relationship excepting if it's not much of a relationship.

It must be difficult when the only real love of your life is a chap, and it all went 'tits up'. My godfathers seem to have lasted the course for more than fifty years: my longest relationship, with Sandra, lasted six-and-a-half years: mainly because we were a bridge partnership and had started doing well in competitions. But we took the card table into the bedroom with us, if you get my meaning, and that changed the dynamic of the relationship. Ice in the bedroom is all very well, but I soon found myself with a 'bit on the side'. In my younger days I was much attached to exercise and testosterone and frustration would tend to build up: the fact that Sandra had also set an unfortunate precedent by sleeping with someone else early in our relationship gave me leave to follow whichever well-turned ankle caught my eye.

I suppose I do co-dependancy in a limited fashion. Boundaries are important. Apparently some chaps read their wives letters: what if it's come from an admirer? or a lover? How vulgar.

My problem is I have an ideal of a relationship of equals who are together because they want to be; because they choose it above other things. Stupid, romantic and juvenile though it is, it still informs my decision making and understanding.

I really should grow up m'dear.
I hope the illness is responding to treatment.
May you find the relationship which suits you at the distance you feel comfortable with.
I slept in a single bed with Sandra for 5 years: I can bear closeness. I wish I hadn't behaved badly, however: no matter what the provocation or precedent. I should adhere to my standards whatever.

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

I think it's that the rebels have always been harder to find than most people expect... and some of it just do it easier than others.

The "lax time" made it too easy to be conservative. Too much freedom ends up with some demanding jack boots - and some just a good swift kick. *sigh*

I like being one of the rebels, even though most don't realize it. I look around sometimes and don't realize how Strange my life's been. Also - while I haven't experimented with drugs (much) - other things? I guess not "experiment" so much as "fell into" but it's not such a stretch.

[johnny9fingers.livejournal.com]

It seems cyclic: freedom, laxity, backlash, repression, totalitarianism, revolution, freedom, laxity.....

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

well, kind of. It's more like a spiral: progression happens. (although it does sometimes loop backwards a ways)

What I wanted to add is that it's more like "societal expectation" - every generation has its examples of all of these. I'm part of the free :)

[johnny9fingers.livejournal.com]

Shit, 'twas an assumption but if wrong please accept my sincere apologies: I would not care to have maligned you in any way. If apologies won't do and it has to be weapons at dawn, I'm a better shot than I am with a blade, so if I were you I'd choose an Epee, if that is the only thing which will satisfy honour. I rather hope it won't come to that and you will accept my apology.

[johnny9fingers.livejournal.com]

"No need to apologise. I just thought you might know something that I didn't."

I probably do, but that would be a function of experience. However I doubt I know more about you and your beliefs and opinions than you.